The WORST Missionary

I am

THE WORST

Missionary.

No, for real. I am.

This week I’ve learned all sorts of things. I’ve learned about how privileged I am, a white American with married parents, a stable home, and constant access to resources. I’ve learned that I am an enneagram type 9, and about the burdens and joys that accompany that trait. I’ve gotten to participate in dialogues with brothers and sisters in Christ who have different understandings than me, but that value the spreading of the Gospel just like I do.

It’s been an amazing few days. But despite the wonderful things, it’s been hard. Honestly, I might look like I’ve got it “all” together, and that I have got this whole “missionary” thing figured out. But if I’m going to be honest, I feel immense spiritual attack.

Exhausted, this afternoon I laid down for a nap. I was feeling overwhelmed. And rather than falling asleep, I had voices torturing my mind. “You’re not good enough for this.” “You’re a misfit here, and you’ll be a misfit everywhere you go.” “Go home, this task is better left to a better Christian.” I cried.

Lord, why do I want to go home, when You have given me the desire to go live with African people? Abba, please give me the strength to remain engaged. Teach me how to overcome this insecurity, this inadequacy. Basically, Lord, I can’t do this. I’m not a good missionary. I’m the worst missionary. But please, take this tortuous burden out of my weary arms, and cover me in Your feathers. Be my refuge, protect me. Shield me, strengthen me. I can’t wait to see the places You’ll take me, the things that You’ll do, the full life You give me. Lord, meet me here, in the desert of my heart, as I prepare to minister to people in the deserts of Africa.

Because, God? It’s only day 4, and I’m already tired.

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3 thoughts on “The WORST Missionary

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  1. This is a crazy and scary thing and you are doing it. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for leaving home for a long amount of time to share the lord with the world. I know it is a scary feeling, even though i haven’t done something like you are before, but it is incredibly brave and the lord will help you through it. Not many people have the courage and strength to do this so good for you girl. Can’t wait to here about your trip and all of the people you are going to touch. I and my family will be praying for you. Keep your head up and god will do the rest.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What an amazing young lady you are. What courage it takes to leave the comforts of home and family and move to Africa. May God use this trip to fill every nook and cranny of your soul with His presence. May you be energized in the weeks to come as you experience God’s people on the other side of the world. As you immerse yourself in His care and become his hand and his feet to others.
    I look forward to following you as you tell us of your journey, the good, the bad and the ugly. Your sharing from your heart will not only touch those you encounter but also those back home. Your stories will be a contribution and an encouragement to us here. Go Girl Go!

    Liked by 1 person

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